This will Make ya Laugh
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”
Hahahaha GOTCHA
The Farmer and the Cow
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asked the farmer.
“Hey why are you sitting in here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer:- some things your just can’t explain.
Man:- So what happened that was so horrible.
Farmer:- Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her, and just as I had the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man:- That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal.
Farmer:- Some things you just can’t explain
Man – So what happened then?
Farmer – I took here left leg and tied it to the left post with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man – Again?
Farmer – Some things you just cant explain
Man – so what did you do then
Farmer – I took her right leg and tied it to the right post.
Man – So what did you do then
Farmer – I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full the stupid cow knocked it over with her tail
Man – wow you must have been pretty upset
Farmer – Some things you just cant explain
Man – So what did you do then
Farmer – Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that very moment my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Watching the Footy With Son and Law
As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her Daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in The world are you doing?” The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said,” Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?” The husband replied, I’m watching the Footy with my son-in-law.
The Two Fleas and the Harley
Two fleas from Hokitika agree to meet every winter in Nelson vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Nelson all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”
The first flea ! says, “I rode down here from Hokitika in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea responds saying,” That’s the worst way to travel!
Try what I do. Go to the airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. You’ll be in Miami in no time. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by….. When the first flea shows up in Nelson he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.
The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”
Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said….. I went to the airport bar. I had a few drinks.
Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot.
It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!
Gus’s mate the Lawyer from Gus Hevelt in Greymouth
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food”, the poor man replied, “We have to eat grass”.
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you”, the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under
that tree”.
“Bring them along”, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also, and bring your family too”.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you”.
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high”.
This happened in Hokitika from David Salthouse
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning! by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door! where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 o’ clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember? About three months ago when we broke down, and those two blokes helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?”, calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk
Don’t Step On the Ducks from Marie & Lins In Christchurch
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Why men don’t use the agony columns… from Craig McCorkindale in Queenstown NZ
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.
” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Dave
Las Vegas Churches fron Chuck Lindke from America
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIPMUNKS…!.:)
YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ..?
Stieny From Auckland tells of Ginsu’s prescription
Ginsu Patel comes to the United States. He’s only there a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”
Ginsu takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, “It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?”
The doctor says, “You were homesick.”
Robbie McLaughlan explains about mens knobs.
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Paddy in Strife from Errol from Sanctuary Cove
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you Paddy?”
Paddy said, “Why would you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Brigid said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
The Christmas Season Begins from Jane and Murray
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,”Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
“It represents a candle” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just how do those symbolize Christmas?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
And So The Holiday Season Begins….
Hymn 365 From Charlie Miller in Dubai
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Smile, life is too short not to!!
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river.
The New Bike from Don Skinner Gold Coast
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “Whenever the bike is
outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
“All right, that’s enough,
I’ll do the f*cking dishes!”
On the Subject of retirement, Paul Teen from Dubai makes a comment
Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting …
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres. So I called him a s—head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age……….
Business Lesson from Craig McCorkindale in Beautiful Downtown Queenstown New Zealand
Subject: Business Lesson
Slick Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office so bad ….. but she belonged to someone else. One day Slick Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you.” The girl said, “NO.”
Slick Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.” She thought for a moment and then said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ….. so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said to ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and Slick Johnny
accepts the increase to $200. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened? She said, “He used coins and I’ve only pick up $90 so far”
Craigs Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
A Few From Charley Millar (Irishman working for the FBI in Dubai)
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm
while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
Wife replies: “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
Man replies: “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
Anothery
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,”You must be single.”
Yet anothery from the files of the FBI in Dubai The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cos you’re ugly.”
Ads from the Irish lonely hearts colum
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o’clock in the morning.
——————————————————
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Letter to the Bank
Dear Whank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
To make an appointment to see me
To query a missing repayment
To make a general complaint or inquiry
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: “Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute, so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
Paddy Sweeney
The Fat Texan Bastard
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Old Bastards
An old bastard couple pulls up to a service station in Ashburton:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Bloke: Please fill it up.
Old Shelia: What did he say?
Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Bloke: To Timaru to see our Grandchildren.
Old Shelia: What did he say?
Old Bloke[yelling]: He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Bloke: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.
Old Shelia: What did he say?
Old Bloke[yelling]: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Bloke: We started our trip from Nelson.
Old Shelia: What did he say?
Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked where we’re from and I said Nelson.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Nelson once. She wouldn’t shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He says he knows you.
The Nun in the Cab
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you,”
She answers, “my dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “O.K., pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s O.K., my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Fancy Dress Party.