The Great New Zealand Taxathon
This old mole has to go. Shoot her tits off and piss her off
Whadda ya mean, she aint got no tits
Posted on 12/29/2007 at 12:30 pm AEST
This is worth a look
Water or Coke?
Now this could be all crap or just something put out by Pepsi, or could have been put out about Pepsi and they changed it coke.
And the other thing it is unsigned as to do who said all this.
Be that as it may, there is a very good point which I’ll point out at the end.
WATER
#1. 75% of Americans (Bloody Yanks, ya only gotta look at em to know this, and it affects their voice as well) are chronically dehydrated.(Likely applies to half the world population)
#2. In 37% of Americans, (once we get past the yanks it gets better) the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
#3. Even MILD dehydration n will slow down one’s metabolism as 3%.
#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a ! printed page.
#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer (cancer of the bum) by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer (piss bag cancer.) Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?
COKE
#1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
rusted bolt for several minutes.
#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous brown gravy.
#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
#1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.
#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (The concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive
materials.
#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the
trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or Coke?
Well the answer of course is water, NOW HERES THE SPIN.
Beer is 99.9% water.
Now you don’t have to be Albert Einstein to figure out the best solution.
However don’t drink that liquid sugar infestation that you get in all that budget piss made by the big breweries
THE BEST GROG IS MADE BY THE WEST COAST BREWERY
Check it out on www.westcoastbrewing.com
I did all this by myself with no help from the keg on legs Bloody Sweeney
Posted on 9/26/2007 at 8:30 am AEST
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van – loose – was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Posted on 8/23/2007 at 12:19 am AEST
BRAVEST MAN IN THE WORLD
Been reading up on stuff and finding out all sorts of interesting shit. For example: “What’s the definition of the bravest man in the world??”
The man who comes home drunk, 2 am in the morning, (mind you thats not me) covered in lipstick and smelling of the perfume from a hot wench, climbs into the cot, then slaps his missus on the bum and says: “You’re next, fatty.”
Hahahaha geeeeeezzuuus, i wouldn’t even think it it my house.
Posted on 10/01/2006 at 6:38 am AEST
Sweeney and Suicide Bombers
Sweeney was over at my place the other day and letting the wind blow his tongue around while we were talking about all these suicide bombers.
He couldn’t figure out why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
So I put the silly bastard in the picture.
No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or Penthouse, no Strip Teasers, no rugby, no football, no basketball, no cricket, no golf, no dancing, no music.
No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts and braless beauties with their nipples sticking out like Cook and Tasman.
No Steak, no ham, no bacon, no burgers, no crayfish , or even whitebait. No Christmas.
Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from the bloke next door because he’s sick and there are no doctors , Constant wailing from the joker in the tower.
You can’t shave. Your wife can’t shave. You can’t even shave your wifes mick.
Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they catch you stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat with your shitty hand.
You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel Dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. No cleavage, ya don’t even know if she has any tits.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your camel, but your camel has a better disposition.
Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 70 virgins and it all gets better!
So……….. Nope……. No mystery here!
I think Sweeney appreciated his lot a bit more once I’d explained.
Posted on 9/05/2006 at 8:36 am AEST
Modern Perspective
I have been studying my white arse off, getting sort of edgamakated so to speak and this is what I now reckon
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, and what the frigg would they know but this is what they reckon, those of us who were kids in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because………
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. Well bloody yum, can still taste the bastard. I also cut me teeth on car battery’s. No wonder there is so many wusses in the world. I’ve been on the Tower Of Terror At Dreamworld ya know.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. Never had any friggin pills either. No bastard got crook apart from a bit of flem, and what a joyous act a good hiock is anyway.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just bare feet and had fluorescent ‘clackers’ on our wheels. Sweeney wore a helmet to show off, his old man found it washed up down at Gillespie’s beach.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat. Not half as good as driving your old mans tractors when you were five. Incidentally tractors still don’t have air bags or seat belts. Well at least the bastards I drive haven’t.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle – tasted the same. And don’t forget having a drink from the pond in the Bull paddock, coupla tadpoles added to the flavour as well.
The no all teachin bastards reckon we ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy drinks with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. Well I never ate the dripping sandwiches, where are these drips coming from. Not only that I’m not a fat bastard, probably coz I never ate the dripping sandwiches.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this. Well I wouldn’t share with that bloody Sweeney account of the bastard wouldn’t share with me.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. Frigging near killed meself when I hit the end of the Tartare Bridge. Mind you I beat Sweeney down the hill.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded. They were actually please to be shod of us for the day.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them. And then we hid from the bastards.
We played football and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. Especially when you copped it in the balls.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. Haven’t fell out of a tree for years. Well not while I’ve been sober anyway.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue – we learned to get over it. I still have a coupla blokes that I owe a good whack too.
We walked to friend’s homes. Then got their old man to run us home when we got into his port.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! Except for Sweeney, he wouldn’t have known what the law was.
Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Yes, I reckon we should go back and live in the good old days when there was more than one way of killing a cat than shagging it to death.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:30 pm AEST
Accountants
I reckon I need to say a few things about accountants.
My accountant is someone who solves a problem that I didn’t know I had in a way I didn’t understand and then sends me a bill that I am supposed to be grateful for.
I call him loophole.
He’s a boring bastard, every year he does my balance sheet in the same colour, red. He then tells me it’s the best year I have ever had.
Not only that he tells me I’ve got no money and then sends me a bill for the honour of telling me something I already knew.
He also tells me where I should have spent my money after I have spent it somewhere else. Nobel prize stuff that, where do I nominate the bastard.
The bastard knows all about wine, well he thought he did, until I asked him what wine goes with fingernails.
If I only knew why I was so worried, I wouldn’t be so worried.
I’m going now, but should I return in my absence, could you please wait for me until I come back.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:28 pm AEST
Holiday Ponderings
Over the New Year I did a lot of pondering on life itself.
You know I can’t wait for the future so that I can look back with regret. I’m just waiting to see how long the meek can hang onto the earth once they inherit it.
There is no limit to the bad things that you can get. Extreme hope grows out of extreme misery, so it isn’t all bad.
Its like those vegetarian bastards, they don’t love animals like they reckon, they just hate plants.
And gardening is not about growing plants, it is about burying seeds.
You know business is nothing more than a greedy pilgrimage in search of hungry recipients. All this thing called Quality is, is a lack of quantity. Stuff they are trying to sell you these days is overrated to hell. Putting a coat on doesn’t make it any warmer out there.
And as I said the other day, if love is the answer, what the hell was the question.
Under that happy face I know you are just as miserable as me. Sweeney told me once I had a chip me shoulder; I told him he was a well-balanced bastard because he has two on each of his.
You know, it was like this fat bastard I met the other day. I said to him I said, “I don’t give a shit who you are, get those bloody reindeer off my roof.”
Thought you’d like the funny bit on the end here. You know who I’m talking about don’t you!
It’s bloody Santa for all the dumb bastards out there.
I’ll be looking out for you on here next week.
Cutting a track
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:26 pm AEST
Advice
This week I thought I would broach the subject of Advice, something I’m very good at. One of my many talents. I’m a multi talented bastard in case you hadn’t noticed.
Advice is free and worth every cent, except mine which is worth a fortune. I always heed Sweeney’s advice, it makes him feel good. I did say heed, not follow.
His advice is like a laxative, easy to take but with dire consequences.
The biggest trouble that I have found in giving advice is that people want to repay you with some of there’s, which of course is never any bloody good.
Ask what the second thought is, is my advice, as it is always better than the first bastard.
Advice is usually given after the event. A bit like giving medicine after death really.
Now my final word on the subject is this; Never walk when you can ride.
Deep that, very deep, deeper than Lake Wahapo and Sweeney reckons that’s bottomless in places.
What the hell would he know, he’s never been down there.
I’m away now to think up some more stuff for next week.
Catcha then
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:21 pm AEST
Fat Bastards
The self thought it was about time I gave you some advice about fat bastards. Firstly; never be frighten of being seen with a fat bastard, as it isn’t contagious. Not only that, Bulimia is evidence that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Hows that for an entrée.
A fat person is someone who exceeds the feed limit on a regular basis.
The trouble with bucket seats in cars is that mot everyone has the same size bucket.
You could say obesity is wide spread, well you can’t say it actually, account of I just did.
I said to this fat bastard the other day, stand up and let two people sit down.
I knew this fat Shelia when I was young; it was like having two girlfriends at once, know what I mean!
Now here is your dessert; you know you can always trust a fat man, as he will never stoop to anything low.
At the end of all diets the path curves back to the trough.
Getting good at this.
Spot ya
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:19 pm AEST
Computer Lesson
I’ve finally bought a bloody computer. Bastard of thing really, can’t bloody type so I did this typing course. Here is the result of the first lesson.
(o) (o) perfect breasts {O} {O} D cups
(+) (+) Fake silicone breasts (oYo) Wonda bra breasts
(*) (*) High nippled Breasts (^) (^) Cold breasts
(@) (@) Big nippled breasts (o) (O) Lopsided breasts
(Q) (Q) Pieced nipples (p) (p) Hanging tassels
\o/ \o/ Old woman’s breasts (–) (–) Flat agin the shower door breasts
|o| |o| Androids breasts ($) ($) Elle McPherson’s breasts
I think the instructor was a boob man.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:17 pm AEST
Random Thoughts
Been dealing with this arsehole who fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down, he was so thick it took him two days to watch sixty minutes. And another thing; Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. But what the heck, I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain to any bastard who will listen.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:16 pm AEST
Questions
Here are a few questions that I reckon will fool ya. See how you go.
* How do you get the “Keep off the Grass” sign on the grass?
* How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
* How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
* If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
* If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless, naked, or both?
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:15 pm AEST
Peiter Zyl
The bloody Rugby Union has got it all wrong again. This fat bastard Peiter Zyl that ran on the field and bumped into the ref just before the forwards fell on him and broke his shoulder. They are all talking about putting him in jail. Put him in jail my arse, he got past 419 security guards. Put him on the wing. Not only that if Voda Phone had advertised on this bastards fat gut they would have got better value than the skinny bastard last week.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:14 pm AEST
Worry
When it comes to worry I’ve heard it all. Some bastard reckoned that worry is the interest paid before we even know if we owe any thing. Others say stress occurs because some people don’t know how to worry without getting upset. Some say patience is the answer. Patience my arse, I’m going to kill someone. And on a final note; you can go and get rooted the lot of yas, I haven’t got enough brains to worry.
Posted on 8/07/2006 at 10:11 pm AEST